


Kisses Like Glue

by dunshiine



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Angst and Porn, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bandito Tour, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Hand Jobs, Heavy Petting, Kissing, Love, M/M, Making Out, Mental Health Issues, Past Sexual Assault, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Sexual Assault, Smut, Trench Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-18 18:42:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19340356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dunshiine/pseuds/dunshiine
Summary: Something is wrong with Josh Dun. Tyler doesn't realize it right away, so jealousy burns through him, wrecking the last few weeks of tour. He struggles to fix a crack running through his relationship with his best friend, not understanding the gravity of what Josh is going through.Content Warning: Mentions of past sexual assault/rape, rape recovery.





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is how I coped with post concert depression. I literally started it the day I got home from Michigan after seeing the boys. I cried almost the whole way home. Its self indulgent but I think in a good way. It made me feel a lot better. <3

Josh Dun had slept with eight different people in the last month of tour. Not that Tyler was keeping count...he just couldn’t help but notice how prolific his best friend had become recently. He also couldn’t help the anxiety it caused him. Tyler was anxious Josh was going to get his heart broken even though it seemed like Josh might be the heartbreaker not the heartbreak-ee. Or that Josh was going to pick up some weird disease from these random guys and then have to explain to his mother why he’d never be able to have biological children. He wished Josh would be a little more discerning with who he chose to bring back to his hotel room, but he couldn’t do anything about it. No matter how much it annoyed him. 

He hated running into the men who left Josh’s hotel room early in the morning on the elevator, or seeing Josh pull some guy he met at a bar into the tour bus. Tyler didn’t want to examine that hatred too much, it wasn’t useful  because it was irrational. Josh Dun was allowed to sleep with whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted. He didn’t owe Tyler any fidelity, at least not when it came to who he slept with.

Tyler had tried not to take his anxiety and annoyance out on Josh, he had been happy when Josh had come out to him and wanted him to feel like there was, of course, no judgement from him. But sometimes he couldn’t help it and he snarked to Josh about him being a little slutty. Josh joked back and agreed that he  _ was  _ a little slutty but he was okay with it. 

“You should give the slut-life a chance, Tyler. You might loosen up a little bit.” Josh said one morning over breakfast at the hotel restaurant. The boy Josh had been with the night before had blushed and made a performance of kissing Josh’s cheek before leaving the hotel hallway only minutes before this. Tyler, irritated and a little sleep deprived, told Josh he’d appreciate not having Josh’s conquests shoved in his face. 

“Yeah well, seems like one of us has to keep things tight around here.” Tyler had said, raising his eyebrows as he started to cut into his pancakes. Josh snorted with laughter into his coffee and the morning had proceeded in a typical fashion, with Tyler being inexplicably annoyed that the drummer was getting some and Josh being unaware that the annoyance that Tyler made a performance of was very real. 

Other times Tyler had come in contact with the people Josh romped around with, Tyler had been distant and rude, barely talking to them, barely acknowledging their presence. 

“You could have at least said hello,” Josh said, this time late at night when a brown haired trollop had gathered their things up around the bus with Josh’s help while Tyler sat in stony silence.

“Why? It’s not like you’ll ever see him again.” 

“Them.” Josh corrected, Tyler gave him a confused look. “Kai uses gender neutral pronouns.” He explained.

“Okay, well either way, you’ll never see them again so why should I talk to them?” Tyler asked, sounding petulant. 

“Because you’re a decent person.”

“Says who?” Tyler asked, purposefully being difficult. Kai had been particularly infuriating to Tyler because of how cute they were. What even was this weird, irrational, gut wrenching irritation at these people he didn’t even know? Maybe he didn’t like that Josh was dividing his attention between the important things, like touring and press and writing for the new album with suddenly being interested in sleeping with half the population of gay people in America. 

“Okay, I’m not dealing with you like this. Goodnight.” 

“Josh!” Tyler had said suddenly, standing up, “Just...tomorrow can we play video games or something? We haven’t hung out after the show in a while.” Tyler tried to smile at Josh, Josh looked a little confused but nodded. 

“Yeah, probably, lets see how things go tomorrow.”  It was only half a promise but Tyler was excited anyway. 

Tyler understood Josh’s confusion, he was confused too. He never begged for attention like that. Okay, he did, but not so blatantly. Not to mention, he wasn’t sure why he needed so much reassurance from Josh. Maybe all the different people that were getting brought in and out of their living space, the people entering what Tyler thought of as a sacred tour orbit were really getting to him. 

Tyler did view tour as a sacred thing, a group of people working towards a common goal, it should be undisturbed by random people who didn’t understand. Yet here Josh was, bringing in people who  _ couldn’t  _ understand and sharing this space with them. He was letting them briefly and casually into something that was meant for the two of them and the trusted few who helped them put on this massive, emotionally draining thing. And Tyler hated it. It wasn’t meant for outsiders. 

No matter how much he tried to keep the frustrated words from spilling over at Josh, they came anyway. So when Josh yet again came onto the bus, pink cheeked with mussed up hair, looking like he hadn’t slept all night Tyler couldn’t hold the biting comment back.

“We’re probably going to be late to the next soundcheck because of your promiscuous nature, Jish,” He said, trying and failing to make it seem like a joke. Josh didn’t answer, which was unusual. He usually laughed it off, or made a snarky comment back. Tyler waited for the comment, or the raised middle finger or...anything. It still didn’t come. Josh wandered back to the bunks without a single word to him. Tyler heard the bed creak as Josh collapsed into it, then the swish of the curtain closing and finally, silence. Tyler looked around towards the bunks, actually feeling slightly worried. While Tyler was the one with the big mouth, Josh usually could manage something back to him when the other poked at him. Maybe he wasn’t feeling well...maybe he had been drinking the night before...maybe he was just too exhausted...maybe he was sad to leave whoever this guy had been. That thought made Tyler’s stomach squeeze and heat flood his cheeks. He couldn’t figure out the bubbly hot emotions that boiled in his stomach. His jaw was clenched and he could feel the tension up through his temples. He actively had to release it and take deep breaths. Okay, the closest thing he could come up with was rage. The red behind his vision, the acidic taste in his throat, and the bubbling in his gut. Rage. Over what? The fact that Josh Dun might feel slightly attached to whoever he fucked last night?  _ Fucked? _ Since when did he ever think like that? 

Tyler physically shook himself as the bus pulled away and onto a road out of whatever city they were in. They were starting to run together. Maybe this was just Josh’s way of coping with the end of the tour being within sight, with the sacred tour space closing in around them. Tyler was excited for it, excited to go home, see his mom, wash all his clothes, sleep in his bed, and get to the next album. At the same time the end of a tour left an ache in your chest. Especially when it was the very end, when there wasn’t another one scheduled, when there had to be a new album before a new tour. The ache was very real and persistent and Tyler couldn’t blame Josh for maybe wanting to stifle that ache in an endless stream of men or gender non-conforming people. Tyler’s idea of stifling it was closing in and becoming an island with just the two of them. Of clinging to just the people who mattered the most on the tour, shutting everyone else out. Of clinging to Josh. Because he knew the end was coming like a freight train, and the end meant Josh would be in LA and Tyler would be in Columbus. Tyler didn’t want Josh to go back to a life in LA that he just wasn’t a part of. Maybe the anger surrounding these outsiders was due to the fact that it reminded Tyler that soon Josh wouldn’t be just his anymore. He already wasn’t his. That was just it, every end of tour Tyler faded from Josh’s life a little bit. They were still best friends, they texted constantly, they wrote new music, they visited each other, but Josh had a whole different life in LA. One Tyler wasn’t a part of. This time Josh was starting the process of phasing Tyler out earlier than usual and Tyler hated it. He was supposed to get him for a few more weeks. Tyler couldn’t stomach sharing this place, this space, Josh’s time, with people from the outside. No. Tour was supposed to be his. Josh was supposed to be his. At least for now. At least here, in this tour bus, on the road, in those venues, in the cold hallways of hotels and the long hours of soundcheck. Josh Dun was supposed to be his. Not those other people’s. Tyler Joseph was jealous.

•••

Over the next few days Tyler became not only ferociously jealous and unable to lie to himself any longer about it, but more and more genuinely concerned for Josh. Instead of having his lovers stay overnight and leave at the crack of dawn when only Tyler would catch them sneaking away in shame, Josh just wouldn’t come back to the hotel until four in the morning. Tyler, on one of his more sleepless nights stuck his head out into the brightly lit hotel hallway at the sound of footsteps and caught Josh, half drunk, attempting to open his room door with a credit card.

“Are you trying to get cash from a hotel room door, Jish?”

“What?” Josh turned and nearly fell over. His hair was a wreck, his eyes bloodshot and far away and to Tyler’s boiling jealousy, he had hickies down his throat. 

“Move.” Tyler nudged him out of the way and took his wallet from his hand, taking out the key card that was luckily still there. He slid it into the door, hearing it give a click and then pushed the door open. Josh leaned hard against the wall next to the door and Tyler heard him let out what sounded like a stifled cry. Tyler’s eyes darted over, Josh’s head had fallen into his hands and he made no attempt to go into the hotel room.

“I’m all kinds of fucked up, Ty.” He slurred into his hands. Tyler agreed. He was drunk off his ass and a little delirious, probably from alcohol mixed with sleep deprivation.

“Yup, you need some good rest.” Tyler agreed, taking Josh’s arm. Josh smirked and reached out to Tyler, leaning heavily forward,

“Are you trying to hit on me, Joseph?” He asked.

“No, you need to get to bed.” Tyler said, trying to hide blatant irritation. 

Josh sighed, “I mean, everyone knows I’m easy...so why not just try?” He giggled but his eyes were glassy. Tyler’s brow furrowed as he listened to his friend. Josh wasn’t making sense. Tyler finally managed to get an arm around him and tug him towards the bed in the dark, cool, hotel room. Josh smelled bad. Like booze, sweat, dirty bathroom and honestly, cum. Josh would just have to deal with that in the morning, Tyler wasn’t going to drag his ass into the shower. 

“Sleep it off, buddy. I’ll see you in the morning.” Tyler said when he managed to get Josh onto the bed. He wanted to get out of there, he was angry. Josh could have stayed with him after they show, they could have gone and gotten some food together, hung out, watched a movie. Spent this time the way they were supposed to spend it, together. But Josh went to some bar or club or something, got blotto and slept with someone in a bathroom stall. He hated it. Especially because it seemed like Josh was too drunk to make good decisions. 

He left him there, curled up in bed.

•••

Tyler couldn’t stop his anger at Josh, not only was he gone almost every night, stumbling into the bus at the last second or only barely making it to soundcheck because he overslept, but he also was losing interest in talking to Tyler when he was around. He avoided questions, he hung out in his dressing room or stared at his phone when they were together, he never wanted chipotle when Tyler suggested a food run. They didn’t share oreos after a show, Josh even started riding on the other bus. Usually they would go on the same bus to and from shows, occasionally splitting up for various reasons but mostly they liked to stick together. The last few days it had been rare for Josh to join Tyler, he opted instead to ride with Mark or Brad. Or alone if the others were with Tyler. It felt disjointed. Everything between them was clunky and it came out in interviews and on stage. Tyler hoped no one noticed, but he felt it. The shows went off well but he couldn’t find that connection with Josh that pushed things over the edge. He stopped mentioning him when he talked to the audience. Not entirely, but he didnt credit him as much as he had been. “Would you please give it up for Josh Dun on the drums?” Was about all he could manage. Tyler snapped at Josh more seriously, called him lazy, told him to have fun slutting around when he would leave quickly after a show, and even once said “I can’t wait to get away from you.” During a soundcheck when things were going poorly. He regretted it, but Josh didn’t call him out on treating him badly. He ignored it, he had ignored the jabs and the ill placed jokes and the blame that Tyler had laid at his feet for what seemed like no reason. He ignored Tyler entirely. Did what he had to for the shows and walked away without a glance back. The jealousy was bubbling up like a boiling kettle, it was going to start screaming, it was just a matter of when. 

“Pay attention! This is actually important.” Tyler’s voice cracked through the tension of soundcheck like a whip. “I’m sick of stupid mistakes. We’re weeks away from the end of tour and we’re still making these stupid mistakes!”

“What mistake!?” Josh snapped back, looking over from his drums. Tyler was taken aback by Josh’s raised voice, he was shocked to even hear Josh’s talking to him directly. So shocked that it took him a minute to figure out how to respond.

“You’re off by one count,” Tyler said, his voice had lost its fire in his shock. Josh’s face darkened as he looked at Tyler, he pointed a drumstick threateningly at him,

“I am not. You weren’t paying attention. You were focused on the fucking lights!” Josh swore and Tyler stared at him. Not only was Josh suddenly fighting with him about the nit-picky way he worked, he was swearing which Tyler knew Josh tried hard not to do around him. He wanted to make a snarky comment about watching his language but he decided it wasn’t a good idea to divert the conversation.

“Yes I was. I heard it. You dropped the count and lost it so you were off by one.” He argued. 

“Would you like to come play drums, Tyler? Do you want to give it a try? Because you can do this whole show by yourself if you really want.” 

“What-no! I-”

“That’s what it seems like you want.” 

“Shut up! That’s not what I was trying to say!” Tyler said defensively. “I just want to get it right, and right now, we’re not getting it right.  _ You’re _ not getting it right.” 

“Yes I was!  _ You’re  _ wrong, Tyler! You. Are. Wrong.” Josh pulled his hat off, running his fingers through his slightly damp, slightly curly brown hair before replacing it.

“I know what I heard.” Tyler said. That seemed to do it for Josh, he stood up and stepped off the platform walking across the stage. He shoved his drumsticks into Tyler’s chest, shoving him a little harder than he needed to,

“Here, you play it. You know better than I do, so you just do it on your own.” He said, stalking off towards the backstage. Tyler tried his best to bite back the vitriol that he wanted to spew at Josh’s retreating back but it came forth in the most childish and stupid ways it could,

“Fine! You’re out of the band, Josh!” He called. That stupid joke. Their stupidest of running jokes and now he used it as some sort of ridiculous threat while still trying to be funny. Josh knew he wasn’t serious but it probably still stung coming from this place of anger. It was so mean spirited, so stupid, and so untrue Tyler couldn’t believe it had come out of his mouth. There was no Twenty One Pilots without Joshua Dun. There may have been Twenty One Pilots before Josh came along but there wouldn’t be if he ever left. It would be over the second Josh wanted to walk away, Tyler couldn’t do it without him. Tyler knew that. Josh knew that. Which is where the joke had come from, that knowledge that they needed each other to be complete, to be real. Watching Josh stalk off stage made Tyler feel panicky. He clutched at Josh’s drumsticks which had been forced into his hands. How had they let it get this way? This bad? What was going on with them? Tyler hated every second that their relationship was tested. He looked around the stage, the bright lights were blinding him, “Can we take five minutes?” he asked into the mic, he barely recognized the voice that came out, wavering, tired, quiet. “Sure thing, Tyler.” Came the answer and he turned and left the stage his feet stumbling in his haste. He dropped the drumsticks at the side of the stage in a state of frenzy to get away from the hot lights and the gaze on him.

He couldn’t go find Josh right away, they both needed to cool off. They couldn’t force things with each other if both of them were heated and frustrated. Josh was supposed to be the cool one, the level headed one, the one that just took the brunt of Tyler’s creative frustration. Even if it was unfair. It  _ was  _ unfair. It was unfair of Tyler to expect all that from Josh. No! What was unfair was that Josh couldn’t even stand to be around him while on tour. Tyler had gotten used to the fact that Josh had his life to lead in LA without him, but the band was supposed to be them.  _ Together. _

Tyler found himself marching to the bathroom, he stood in front of the sinks and stared at himself in the mirror. He looked exhausted and sad. His eyes were bloodshot from holding back angry tears. Tour was supposed to be their time. That was the magic of it, everything else fell away, it became their safe space. The madness behind the scenes was just for them, for the two of them and their crew, their people. The show was for them to share with the fans, it was a sacred world that had levels. The show level that let their beautiful, powerful fans into their intimacy. The crew level where they worked towards creating this insane thing that came from Tyler brain. Their family level, the people that got to come out for portions of the huge emotional release that was tour. Then there was the Tyler and Josh level. It was reserved for them. They shared things that no one else around could understand. No one could even try. Tyler was supposed to keep Josh in that space, now it didn’t even seem like Josh wanted to be there. His breath huffed out in familiar anxious way. This was too much. He couldn’t sort through it. He needed to deal with this later. Right now he had to get his mind back into soundcheck. He turned on the faucet, intending on splashing his face with cool water,  but the water that came out was lukewarm and wouldn’t cool no matter how long he waited. He splashed it on his face. It made him feel stickier, sweatier. 

When he left the bathroom Josh was standing in the hallway, his back pressed against the wall, he was looking up at the ceiling, holding drumsticks again.

“We need to finish,” he said to Tyler as he came out. As if Tyler didn’t know that. As if Tyler didn’t understand that they needed to find a way to finish not only the soundcheck but the whole tour. There was a crack running through their relationship and it needed to be looked at from all angles to find a way to glue it back together but it felt like the more he looked at the crack, the bigger it became. If he focused on it, it split farther, pushing them back from each other. If he looked at it dead on he could hear the ripping, grinding, breaking sound. Maybe if they could find a kind of soft focus, a way to keep an eye on it, but not stare at it directly, they could find where they could start to mend it.

•••

“Do you think he’s okay?”

“I think he’s just discovered that he likes partying.”

“Since when does he not come back until nearly five AM?”

“Does it really matter? He’s obviously having a lot of fun.”

“It doesn’t seem like Josh.”

“Speak of the devil,” That was Brad pulling his phone out of his pocket, and seeing a bunch of snapchats from Josh. Mark leaned over in his chair to look at them with him. Tyler’s head snapped up from where he had been staring at his own phone, which was free of snapchats from Josh. He had been listening to Mark and Brad’s conversation about the drummer bitterly from his spot at the rooftop pool at their hotel. But he couldn’t bring himself to participate. He tended to agree with Brad who seemed to think that Josh was fine, just enjoying a new lifestyle. Maybe that was Tyler’s way of remaining angry at his best friend, for choosing to spend his nights partying rather than staying up late with Tyler. There was nothing wrong. Josh Dun was just a slut. 

“Let me see,” Tyler said, standing up and walking around their table to behind Brad’s chair, nearly shoving Mark out of the way so he could view whatever salacious snapchats Josh had sent him. The first one was just a picture of Josh, his eyes were unfocused, eyelids half open, a straw of a drink in his mouth. The caption was just “hiiii braaaaaad”.

“How drunk do you think he is?” Brad laughed.

“Too drunk.” Tyler responded, unable to keep the angry judgement out of his voice. 

The next one was a video from some club dance floor, the music blared out of Brad’s phone speakers, something bad with heavy bass. There was a guy Josh was filming who was right in front of him, obviously dancing fairly provocatively with him. You couldn’t hear much besides the loud music and occasionally Josh’s laughter but it was enough to make Tyler’s blood boil. The next video was of Josh, taken by someone else, presumably the boy he had been dancing with. Josh was back in the bathroom, he was giggling and leaning up against the wall.

“God, you are so drunk!” The guy was saying.

“Maaaybe, but now you can just...have your way with me.” His voice was filled with suppressed giggles but he was trying to reach out for the phone. 

“Yes please,” The guy behind the camera said. 

“Look at the camera, Joshy. Say hi!”

“Hi!” Josh giggled. “Give it...give-” more giggles but Tyler caught a subtle glance sideways from Josh right before the video cut out and it closed. It was the briefest of looks but Josh looked dazed, uncomfortable, maybe a little sick? Unhappy. Or maybe he was just drunk and that wasn’t an unhappy look. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe Tyler was overreacting, but that look had upset him. There was something off about all of these snapchats. Tyler felt a strange pang in his gut, worry, sympathy, pain. He missed his Josh. He wanted him there so he could tease him and call him Jish and know that he wasn’t in a bathroom with someone who was agreeing to “have his way with him”. 

“What a dipshit.” Brad said, shaking his head. Mark glanced at Tyler, he looked just as worried as Tyler felt. No longer did Tyler agree with Brad, he wasn’t sure that this was just Josh expressing himself, or stretching his freedoms. No. This was something else. 

“I’m going to bed.” Tyler said. It took him a second to say goodnight and get into the elevator to head down to his room but when he was alone he took his phone out and pulled up his conversation with Josh. The last text on it was from a full three days before and even then it had been brief. He started to compose a text,

“Please come back. Come to the hotel, don’t stay out all night. Please, Josh. Whatever is going on, you can talk to me about it. Please, please come back. Drinking all night isn’t fixing anything. Where are you? Please. Come. Back.” 

He stared at the text, it was obvious that he was desperate. Anxiety and pain was sewn all the way through it. This was a text that stared directly at the crack in their relationship and dared it to splinter even more. Begging. He was begging and it made him furious at himself. He wasn’t supposed to beg. He sent the text. It went from sending, to delivered, to read in a matter of minutes and then...nothing. 

Tyler hated that guy who had filmed Josh like that, not only because it had felt gross, not only because he had agreed to take advantage of him but also because he got to  _ be _ with Josh. He got to stand that close to him, hold him up, dance with him, giggle on bathroom floor. He got to be the person who was spending tonight with Josh. Jealous. It wasn’t just the jealousy of others getting Josh’s time and energy. It was the jealousy of a man who got to  _ kiss _ Josh. Who got to _ touch _ Josh. Who got to _ be _ with Josh. It was more than jealousy of his friend spending time away from him. It was jealousy of the love he shared with meaningless people he met at clubs. Tyler Joseph was jealous of this weird club guy. He couldn’t hide it from himself anymore. The feelings were there, they were real, and they were unavoidable. He didn’t care that this changed what he thought his sexuality was. He only had fought with it for so long because it was going to cause him an immeasurable amount of pain.  Josh Dun wanted to sleep around. Tyler Joseph wanted one person. He wanted to Josh Dun. And how unfair that was.

•••

The show had been going fine, lacking the usual energy, but so had all of the recent shows. The lack of connection between him and Josh was to blame. Things didn’t turn completely sour until Pet Cheetah when they were heading back to the main stage. It was Josh’s turn to take to the catwalk back, Tyler knew how much he hated that walk and he always watched Josh closely, just because he could sense Josh’s own anxiety over the whole thing. It had been a few shows since he stopped ripping the yellow shirt open as he walked so that didn’t surprise Tyler. In all honesty, the thing that happened next wasn’t that big of a deal, no matter what could have happened, it would never have been terrible. It would never have caused Josh to actually fall, and there were probably people in the audience who missed it entirely. Tyler didn’t miss it, and in the weeks to come he would see it in his mind’s eye repeatedly. As Josh was about to take the steps down onto the stage his foot slipped to the side, through the thin criss crossing bars that made it impossible for them to fall off. The weight of his foot falling through made his whole left side plummet down before his hands caught the top of the bars and he steadied himself. There was an audible gasp from the people in the pit. Tyler’s face was probably stricken in momentary fear, even if it was irrational, even if he knew it was designed to not let them fall through, even though Josh caught himself. Even though the worst that could have happened was he sat down hard. Josh recovered and shakily, carefully got off of the catwalk and over to his drums. Tyler nearly missed the opening lines of his rap in Pet Cheetah but he managed to get through it, walking across the catwalk with unusual care and anxiety. Not for himself but for Josh, who he was sure was still shaking, still breathing hard, trying to recover while everyone watched him drum.

Everything else that happened could be blamed on that one moment on the catwalk. Tyler didn’t know what had caused that moment, but he wanted to yell at whatever did it. Whatever tiny slippery part of Josh’s sneaker, whatever drop of sweat that had distracted him. It deserved the force of Tyler’s wrath for throwing off his drummer. 

“Would you please give it up for Josh Dun on the drums?” Tyler said during Holding Onto You, in response, Josh immediately dropped his drumstick in a fantastically obvious way, practically throwing it out of his hand. Josh tried to laugh it off and keep going but Tyler could sense the deeper fear in him. For some reason Tyler was dreading the backflip, he knew Josh could get through it, he had done it how many times before? He was an expert at backflipping off of things. Tyler remembered when Josh was first learning and he did it constantly, off of anything he could. It had driven Tyler and everyone else around Josh crazy, but it didn’t ever fail to bring a grin to Tyler’s face when Josh did it and got excited that he had finished it easily. But now, as he sang through “Entertain my faith,” and could hear the crowd singing it back to him, his hands were sweating on the piano and his heart was racing in his chest and not just from exertion. 

After the last “Entertain my faith,” Josh hopped down off of his drums, looking decently confident, making Tyler breathe a sigh of relief. That relief was short lived though, it took Josh two attempts to hop up onto the piano and then his backflip was shaky and as he came down he stumbled and had to let his knee hit the floor for a second before straightening up. It didn’t matter to the beautiful, amazing audience, they screamed for him, cheering him on even as Tyler could see the blush in his cheeks. It was the first time in...years that Josh hadn’t managed to do that backflip perfectly. This was not just from slipping on the catwalk. In rehearsals he had fallen off a riser and bashed his head open, even then he had been calm and unafraid. There was something completely, one hundred percent not right with Josh Dun and Tyler was not going to let the conversation go this time. 

They made it through most of the rest of the show without incident. Tyler was relieved to get to Trees, their last big hurrah and then they could sort this out off stage. They were getting to their drums, Tyler grinning, happy to see their enthusiastic, excited  fans waiting to hold them up, support them physically, emotionally. Everyone was ready for the release.

It always took Josh a second longer to be standing on the platform than it took Tyler so he wasn’t overly concerned. When he did look across and Josh was finally standing up, preparing to drum he felt a surge of relief, this was the last bit of the show, they could get through it and put it behind them. Tyler hit his drumsticks together and they started beating on their drums, water splashed out over his arms and onto his face, he couldn’t help but grin as they drummed and confetti flew around them, sticking to his sweaty arms and the back of his neck. He looked up across at where Josh was, he could never quite make him out during this part, there was so much confetti. Something seemed wrong though, there was a lot of movement by his drum, a lot of movement surrounding his whole area and things sounded different. Tyler squinted and he realized he couldn’t make out where Josh even was. He should be able to see him now but he wasn’t there. The song ended and he was helped down and back up to the stage. Josh still wasn’t there. This had never happened before. Josh was always there, always supposed to say goodbye with him. 

Tyler’s heart was pounding in his throat, he felt physically ill. Security was talking around him as he hopped back up onstage, something about Josh, he was trying to be told something but he couldn’t make it out in the flurry of movement and trying to end the concert on the right note. He stood on stage, alone. Completely alone. With no promise of Josh close behind. He waved, held up his hands in the sign that felt like second nature now and quickly said into the microphone,

“We’re Twenty One Pilots and so are you. Thank you.”  and left the stage. 

Where was he? Why wasn’t he around? What happened? Tyler couldn’t hear the people trying to talk to him as he walked backstage, towards their dressing room, searching frantically for Josh. 

“Where was he!?” Tyler snapped angrily at no one in particular as he walked, his voice sounding betrayed and angry. Angrier than he had intended it to sound, he was happy that Josh wasn’t there to hear how much it sounded like Tyler was blaming him.

“He fell Tyler, he got out pretty fast, you’ve both done that a couple times before but I don’t know, he was like...panicking afterwards.” That was their tour manager talking to Tyler, the only voice he could hear. “You might want to calm down before you talk to him,”

“Calm down!? I’m fine! I’m calm!” Tyler snapped, but he wasn’t calm. Adrenalin was coursing through him, fear, anger, resentment. He hated every single mixed up feeling he had about Josh right now. It burned in his chest, like a blazing house fire that destroyed well loved trinkets and memories. It blazed through him, he was melting in his anger. He slammed the door into the dressing room open.

“Where were you!?” He asked when he saw Josh in the dressing room. Josh was in a chair, his hands on his knees and his head bent low, his breathing rattling. Tyler didn’t notice though so he continued raging, “We’ve never finished a show like that! You’ve always been there, we’ve always said goodnight together. You left me there, alone. Because you fell off your platform? Boohoo! We’ve both done that! You were fine. You’re destroying us, why are letting everything fall apart? Why aren’t you trying!?” Tyler wanted to shake him to demand answers to his questions. His voice, which was already nearly shot from the full concert of singing, was breaking and becoming raspy. He was fighting back tears.

Josh looked up at Tyler, his mouth was open as he tried to breathe steadily, his lips were wet and his eyes glassy, bloodshot and scared. “I’m sorry,” he croaked. 

“You should be! I never wanted to have to not be together doing our goodbyes. What do you think the fans think? They probably thin-”

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!!!” Josh’s head fell into his hands and to Tyler’s horror he started to sob. All his pent up frustration and his anger flew out the window. He remembered his thoughts on stage and his thoughts from the other night when he saw those snapchats of Josh. Something was not right, Josh was not okay.  Here Tyler was, instead of trying to help him, he was screaming at him and blaming him. 

“I couldn’t go back onstage, I...I couldn’t breathe or think.” Josh said through his hands. “I lost my balance for two seconds and fell backwards into the crowd. I’ve done it a million times before, people in a crowd have grabbed my ass a million times before this and I’ve- I’ve never cared but this time-” 

“Josh, what’s going on?” Tyler asked, he was still standing by the door. They were thankfully alone in the room. He took a few hesitant steps forward, Josh looked up his face was red, he was crying. 

“I couldn’t get the hands off of me, the way they pulled at my clothes…” his voice dropped, his face was twisted in revulsion, he tried moving his hands away from his face but it was like he couldn’t. He kept covering his eyes or his mouth in between words. “It was like I was being suffocated. I just panicked. It hurt so badly because I couldn’t relax. I think I cried. I said no, Tyler.” Josh finally looked over at him and Tyler opened his mouth but before he could say anything Josh continued. “I-I said no. He ignored me. He just ignored me. I don’t kn-know why I couldn’t fight him off. I still remember the smell and the hands on me, all over me, in me. I said no! I know I said no! I shouted no! I didn’t just make that up in my head, I know I told him no! I said no!” 

This wasn’t about what had happened in the pit. 

Tyler felt like he had been punched in the gut. He took a few more steps into the room, towards his best friend who was sitting in a chair, telling him something that was almost impossible to digest. Tyler didn’t know what to say so when he reached the chair Josh was sitting in he knelt down beside him. 

“How do you get a smell out of your nose? How can I wash off the feeling of hands on me? I feel it all the time, it makes me itchy.” Josh said, he let out a breath, it sounded more like a sob than anything else. 

“I… I don’t know, Josh. I’ll help if I can.” Tyler offered quietly. Josh’s focus locked onto him, as if he had been a drowning man searching for a life vest and found it in Tyler. Maybe now the ocean could rise, and roar all it wanted but he would float. 


	2. Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler helps Josh find a way to heal, to breathe, to stay afloat. He wants to be Josh's emotional rescue but to do this he has to push aside his own feelings, to find away to beat back jealousy and become with Josh needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: Rape recovery, rape mentions
> 
> This story is dedicated to my best friend and forever concert partner: Hannah.   
> Also, I can't believe I timed the release of this to be a few days before the hometown shows. I hope everyone going has a great time, I'm SUPER jealous!!!   
> Anyway, enjoy the second and final part.

Josh Dun had been raped. When Josh finally came out and said it, the two band members were alone on the bus and it had been hours since the show. Before Josh’s admission, it had been quiet, the knowledge hung in the air around them, the truth still unspoken even though it was known and understood by both of them. Tyler hadn’t pressed, proded or pushed. He had just waited until Josh said it. And when he did, Josh’s face crumpled, his head fell into his hands and Tyler felt helpless. He didn’t want to touch him, scared that holding him would make the trauma worse. He let Josh cry and longed to comfort him, to hold him above the crashing tide. 

“When?” Tyler asked eventually, scared that any question would be too invasive, too triggering.

“Just...a week and a half ago.” Josh admitted, shaking his head. Tyler thought back to any times a week and a half ago where Josh had felt different, or acted strange. Eventually his focus centered on that day, Josh entering the bus, dead in the eyes, unable to answer his snark,

_ “We’re probably going to be late to the next soundcheck because of your promiscuous nature, Jish.”  _

Your promiscuous nature. Those words had come out of his mouth mere hours after Josh had been violated. Raped. Abused.  _ Your promiscuous nature.  _ It knocked the breath out of him. He hated himself for what he had said. He could hear crashing in his ears, his eyes unfocused and refocused, it felt like he was losing track of his body. When he finally came back to himself he remembered that it was Josh who was hurt. This wasn’t about him and he wasn’t about to make it about him, but he did need to apologize. 

“Josh...I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that this happened, I’m sorry that I have treated you so...I’m the biggest asshole. I can’t-” He shook his head and looked down, swallowing back the lump in his throat.  _ This isn’t about you. You aren’t allowed to cry.  _ He told himself that over and over again. He was going to be Josh’s emotional rescue, and emotional rescues didn’t cry in front of the person they were rescuing. Josh was quiet as Tyler apologized. “I should have done something more, I should have seen earlier. I was too wrapped up in thinking-” he broke off, not wanting to lay his jealousy on Josh right now. “Of only caring about myself.” He said.

“I should have figured out a way to tell you. At first I kept trying to tell myself it wasn’t rape. I told myself that men couldn’t be raped. That it was just something I hadn’t experienced before then, but I couldn’t shake the sick feeling, the anger, the disgust.” He swallowed and leaned his head back against the wall of the bus behind him. “When I did finally admit to myself that it was rape, I told myself that I could handle it. That it wasn’t a big deal, that I would deal with it on my own and move on.” Josh’s voice was weak, his eyes were far away, glassed over, tired. 

“You can’t deal with this by yourself. You need help. In whatever way you want, I can help.” Tyler said. This must have been why there had been an upswing in his partying, it must have been why he stayed out instead of coming home with partners. Josh was trying to find a way to cope. It explained the  _ “Everyone knows I’m easy, so why not try.”  _ and the  _ “but now you can just have your way with me.”  _ If Tyler had ever questioned Satan’s existence and power in the world, he didn’t anymore. It was in whatever so called man that would do this to anyone, let alone his Josh. And it was in the angry, blood wanting monster in his gut that told him he should find this man and drown him. Tyler only gentled himself by looking at Josh and realizing that was not the person Josh needed.

“Can you hold me? All...all I’ve wanted was a hug. I couldn’t figure out how to ask for one.” Josh admitted and it split Tyler’s heart in two. He moved so fast it made Josh flinch, he sat down next to him and opened his arms, allowing Josh to be the one that moved to touch him. Josh turned and collapsed into Tyler’s arms, his face pressed into the crook of his neck, his breathing slowly morphing from slightly labored to full on sobs. Tyler rubbed Josh’s back, his hands steady on Josh as his shoulder’s shuddered. The bus was filled with the sound of crying, surrounding them, until Tyler’s vision, hearing, thinking, tunneled into crying and the sound of the road rushing by underneath them. All that was left in this space was the sound of Josh’s pain, the inevitability of their next stop on tour and Tyler trying to hold his best friend together. To close the cracks in Josh and glue them together. He realized as he sat there, unwilling to release his grip on his best friend, that the crack he had seen in their friendship was really just Josh slowly splitting under the weight of a tide he couldn’t hold back. 

•••

Tyler Joseph dreamt of rushing grey water surrounding him, filling his mouth and burning his nose as it sloshed over his head. He was clawing at Josh’s shirt, trying to pull him out of the water as Josh tried to gasp for air. He had pink hair but his lips were turning blue in the cold water. Everytime he got Josh up out of the crashing waves he fell back and dragged Tyler under too. 

_ Josh Dun dreamt of a placid, calm ocean. He was lying on his back floating, staring up at a grey sky. Next to him, Tyler held his hand. He wasn’t smiling, he didn’t look at ease but his hand was steadfast. Josh couldn’t see it but he knew his hair was pink. “Josh,” came Tyler’s voice, “We’re missing rehearsals for The Emotional Roadshow.”  _

Tyler’s dream changed, they were at a show, everything was red and black. He wore his red suit jacket. This was the Emotional Roadshow, not Bandito but for some reason he was standing on a the b-stage, and there was a catwalk. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t how the show was supposed to go. Pink-haired Josh was walking down the catwalk, Tyler waited for him back on the B-stage, he knew it was going to go wrong. This wasn’t supposed to be. There wasn’t a catwalk during the Emotional Roadshow. No. Then it was like the concert corrected itself, the catwalk vanished and so had Josh.  He had fallen into the crowd with a scream that sent shivers up Tyler’s spine as he watched. Tyler couldn’t move from his spot, staring at the place Josh had gone. He could hear the roar of a crowd and Josh crying. Tyler jerked awake, cold sweat coating his whole body.

•••

Those dreams had plagued Tyler for the last couple days, giving him restless nights and headaches. He wanted so desperately to be what Josh needed but in his desperation he feared he couldn’t hold Josh up. It was the first night he was able to sleep without being awoken with the feeling of gasping for breath so when the knock came hammering on the door, jerking him out of his reverie he had to try not to be angry at it. He sat up groggily, trying to gather his wits about him, rubbing his eyes. The knock came again, this time it sounded heavier, like the side of a fist against the door instead of knuckles. Tyler stood up and walked over, not bothering with the peep hole to check who it was. He pulled the door open and Josh stood there. He looked like he was barely keeping himself up, he swayed where he stood and it reminded Tyler of the time Josh hadn’t been able to get into his hotel room because of how drunk he had been. In the last two days things seemed to have gotten better between them. Things weren’t  _ good  _ because Josh wasn’t  _ good _ but Tyler wasn’t treating Josh terribly out of misplaced anger and they had spent a lot more time together. Every bit of free time actually. Up until three hours ago when Tyler had gone to bed and apparently, Josh had gone out. 

“Josh…” Tyler said quietly, he wished he could tell him he needed to stop doing this to himself.

“I know, I know.” Josh slurred, he stepped into the room and Tyler let him come in. He reached over and flicked on the light. “I went out, because-because... you know, I’m pretty much worthless so why not?” He said. The words made Tyler sick, what was worse was Josh said it through this tainted smile. As if the whole situation was funny. 

“You aren’t worthless.” Tyler said, he wrapped his arm around Josh and helped him across the room to the couch. He sat Josh on the couch and watched as Josh immediately slouched low into the cushions.

“Yes I am, Tyler...I did this all to myself.” He said, shaking his head. “I became a big slut, I slept around. I let whoever do whatever they wanted to me. God, I liked it so much. Then karma got me back…” he shook his head. “So now, what’s the point of discerning who gets to fuck me? Just let anyone fuck me.” His voice was hysterical, his head bobbed back and forth and he flailed his hands for emphasis. “In any dirty, old club bathroom.” He laughed but it was bitter. Tyler looked around, searching for his water bottle. He found it on the bedside table and brought it over to Josh, holding it out to him as he sank down on the coffee table across from him.

“Drink,” he commanded. Josh reluctantly took the water bottle, clumsily opening it and downing a bunch before nearly dropping it onto the couch. Tyler caught it and replaced the lid. “You are worth way more than that, Josh.” he said. He hated these things Josh was saying, he hated the idea of Josh letting anyone have him. He hated that other people were with him tonight, not knowing what had happened, not knowing how to take care of him. Tyler could feel the jealousy there, he tried to beat it back. Now was not the time. 

“No, I’m not! I’m not! I should have done something differently, I shouldn’t have been alone with him, I should have fought more. I should have done something! I let it happen!” Josh choked out, as he slumped sideways into the couch, his face buried in the pillows. Tyler took Josh’s shoulder and pulled him back up, out of the pillows so he didn’t suffocate. Tyler rubbed his shoulder and leaned down to try and get Josh’s attention. When Josh looked into Tyler’s eyes, his brow was furrowed, his eyes were glassy, tears threatening,

“It is not your fault. This didn’t happen to you because you slept with some people. This didn’t happen because you were comfortable with yourself and wanted to sleep around. This does not make you worthless-” Josh turned his head, as if he couldn’t face what he thought was a lie. “Hey!” Tyler took Josh’s chin and turned his head back to face him. “Look at me, this does not make you worthless. It. Is. Not. Your. Fault.” He said. “Someone saw your pride, your happiness, your willingness to share your love and your trust and chose to rip it up.  _ They  _ made that choice when they decided to not listen to you. You didn’t choose to be violated when you chose to do things you enjoyed. You can’t blame a person for drowning in a flood because they’ve gone swimming before.” 

 Josh’s eyes filled with tears and he blinked, the tears slipped down his cheeks. Tyler leaned farther forward and wrapped Josh in his arms, holding him into him. He was momentarily fearful that touching him was the wrong choice. He hadn’t asked if it was okay, but Josh leaned into him hard. The sobs didn’t echo around the room this time, they stayed quiet, muffled into Tyler’s shoulder. He felt Josh clutch at his shirt, his fingers digging into the skin underneath. Tyler moved his hands to the back of Josh’s head and wove his fingers into his hair. Without thinking about it, Tyler turned his head and pressed his lips into the side of Josh’s head, nestled into his curly, slightly sweaty hair. Josh didn’t tense up at the touch of the lips, he leaned into it, momentarily breathing easily. 

“I don’t want to leave you again, Ty.” Josh said softly. Tyler didn’t know what the drunken words meant but it made his heart soar with possibilities.  _ Please don’t, Josh. I want you here with me, I want you to be safe with me, I want to use kisses like glue to seal up all of your breaks, all your wounds. Maybe your kisses could be glue for my feet to stay planted right here, holding you on to you.  _

•••

Things inched towards better after that drunken night. The shows were still anxiety producing for both of them. Tyler felt like he couldn’t breathe half of the time, he couldn’t imagine what it must have been like for Josh. The fearless boy Tyler had known had become hesitant about everything, struggling to psych himself up for the catwalk, drum island, Trees, everything. He retreated into himself onstage, hyper focusing on his drums. Tyler did his best to bring him out, to open him up to the audience and to Tyler himself. With work, Tyler brought that chemistry back. Josh could be an island, but it had to be an island of at least two. Tyler had to be part of that island, Josh needed him and they both knew it. Outside of the shows, Tyler took care of Josh in every way he could. He was there to comfort him if he had a moment of panic. He was there to sit in silence with him when Josh couldn’t face talking or interacting with people. He was there to distract him with video games, bouncing ideas off of him for new music, funny videos or memes on the internet, cool fan art and stupid inside jokes with Mark. Josh was unpredictable in when his mood would change but Tyler had started to learn how to handle him in different situations. He would change from happy and comfortable to panicking at the drop of the hat, Tyler kept his eye on him as best he could but it was a challenge, always. 

“I keep smelling him! What is that smell!?” Josh moaned from the couch inside their dressing room. It was an hour until the show started and Josh had been fidgety and jumpy for a while now. Tyler hadn’t pushed anything, he had just sat with him and then gone about his typical pre-show routine, stretching, walking around the room, warming up. Josh jumped up from the couch, his hand jumping to the back of his head, rubbing it and then letting it drop. He took a few steps one way, stopped and shook his head. He couldn’t get comfortable even just standing there. Josh pulled the sleeve of his sweatshirt up to his nose and breathed in, and then buried his face in the bandana around his neck, trying to locate the smell. “It’s everywhere...Tyler...I swear it’s all over me. I can’t get rid of it.” He pulled at his sweatshirt, his breathing was erratic and he kept tugging at his clothes. Tyler took the few short strides over to Josh in a matter of seconds. 

“Can I touch you?” Tyler asked, looking seriously at his best friend. Josh nodded nervously, his eyes moving over Tyler’s face in a spastic way that almost scared him. Tyler reached out, moving his hands deliberately so Josh knew exactly where they were going. Josh was not in a place where he would be able to handle sudden touch, Tyler could sense it. He had become decent at reading Josh’s particular needs over the last few days. Each mood he was in warranted something different and Tyler had, had to learn quickly what mood required what action. Tyler’s hands found the sides of Josh’s face and he held his head still, looking across into his brown eyes. The spastic, strange movements of Josh’s eyes told Tyler that he was somewhere else, his mind was with those horrible moments from weeks ago. Tyler tried to lock eyes with him but it was difficult, he needed to ground Josh if they were going to come back from this. 

“Josh, hey, Josh.” he said. “Jishwa,” he smiled around the nickname and Josh finally met his gaze. “Hey, all I smell is a dirty rock venue dressing room.” He said, still smiling. He took a deep breath as if to be an example for Josh. Josh followed suit and he could see the panic flare in his eyes again.

“What do our dressing rooms usually smell like?” Tyler asked, wanting him to really think about it, because they had a smell and he was sure it wasn’t the smell of the guy who had raped him. At least he hoped to God it wasn’t.

“Um…” Josh swallowed and shook his head, his eyes shut momentarily. When they snapped back open they were locked on Tyler’s eyes. “Food, like...sometimes chipotle.” He said. “Sweat.” Tyler nodded. Josh’s brow furrowed, “Your deodorant, that weird kind that’s supposed to smell like the ocean.” Josh’s upper lip twitched, almost towards a smile. 

“Yeah, what else?”

“Socks, the smell of leftover pyro on our stage clothes, drumsticks.” the words were coming out easier now, Josh was breathing, he had shut his eyes but in a calm way, in a way of trying to just focus. Tyler nodded even though Josh couldn’t see it,

“Yeah, good. Anything else?” he asked.

“Ass.” Josh said,  opening his eyes to meet Tyler’s, this time there was a bit of a smile on his face. Tyler smirked back and patted Josh’s shoulder. 

“Hey, at least my ass smells good.” he said, taking a step away from Josh who let out a snort of disbelief. 

Just like that Tyler pulled Josh out of it, at least enough where he could be distracted. While Tyler was working on trying to be an emotional rescue for Josh, he was also busy burying his own feelings. Burying the jealousy of all the people Josh had been with before, burying the building hatred for LA and everyone in it. Tyler longed to tell Josh how he felt, how much he wanted to be  _ everything  _ for Josh. Everything. Best friend. Bandmate. Lover. He wanted to build a home together. Not out of bricks and wood and drywall. But a home in each other, built out of their healed wounds, kisses, warm nights on a calm ocean, soft touches, smiles shared across a huge stage, eyes connected over their crowd as they beat away their problems on drums. He wanted to make this place together. How could they do that if Josh was gone, in LA? What did Los Angeles have that Columbus didn’t?! Columbus had his family, had his childhood home, had all their origins, it had Tyler. What could LA provide Josh? Tyler burnt in that anger towards that place that felt like hell to Tyler. It was the enemy. It and all the people living in it. They weren’t supposed to have Josh, he was supposed to have Josh. Tyler forced those feelings down, put away, because they weren’t useful to Josh now. Josh was too fragile, too broken. Tyler couldn’t pile this on top of all that now. He couldn’t and wouldn’t. 

•••

Jordan came out to spend the last week of tour with Josh so Tyler wasn’t too worried when Josh decided to go out after a show. Jordan knew about everything, knew that Josh had been drinking too much to cope, had been being reckless with who he spent his time with, so Tyler was confident Jordan would know how to handle his older brother. They had invited him to join but Tyler never felt much like being at a loud restaurant or bar after a show, even if he did want to stay close to Josh. So he stayed in but Tyler didn’t even attempt to sleep. He was waiting for a text from Josh or Jordan to tell him they were back at the hotel, safely in bed. Three A.M. rolled around and still no text, Tyler thought about texting Jordan but maybe that was being too pushy. Jordan was Josh’s brother, there was no reason to believe that Jordan didn’t have things completely under control, and either way, if Josh still wanted to go sleep with some rando, it wasn’t up to either him or Jordan to tell him he couldn’t. Tyler could think it was a bad idea, it could hurt him but he couldn’t expect Josh to give up his sexual needs just because of Tyler. Josh didn’t owe him that, even though Tyler wished he did. Tyler was scared that Josh still thought of himself as worthless, he couldn’t stomach the thought of Josh thinking of himself as nothing of value`nothing to treasure. He  wished he could show Josh just how much he valued him, how much Tyler thought he was worth. He lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling, thinking about Josh and all the ways he wanted to show him how much he treasured him. 

It was nearly three thirty when there was a knock at the door. Tyler looked around, feeling like this was becoming  pattern. He pushed himself up from bed and went to the door. This time it wasn’t just Josh slumped against the door frame. Jordan was standing there with Josh leaning heavily into him. 

“He wanted to see you,” Jordan explained. 

“Hey Ty!” Josh said, giggling and leaning farther into Jordan who seemed to be buckling under his brother’s weight. 

“Hey Josh.” Tyler said, smiling and then glancing to Jordan, the look must have accidentally conveyed some of Tyler’s irritation that Jordan had let Josh get this drunk because he started to defend himself,

“I don’t know how this happened, we were just having a good time drinking beers and then he ordered shots and I thought it would just be one but…” Jordan shook his head. “I stopped drinking with him, hoping that would slow him down but at least I was sober enough to take care of him.” He said. Tyler’s look softened and he ruffled the hair up on the back of his head,

“Its okay, Jordan. Don’t worry about it. I’m glad you were with him.” He said. Josh was giggling and he reached forward, taking a fistfull of Tyler’s shirt and tugging him closer to where he was leaning into Jordan. 

“I’ve had...such a good night, Ty.” He said with a giggle. “Jordan is...the best one.” he slurred. “But I wanted to see my Ty,” Josh added, nodding and looking up at Tyler, still hunched over. His hair was hanging in his face. 

“Lets get him to the bed,” Tyler said. He put his arm around Josh and helped Jordan haul Josh into the room and over to the bed. The two sober men helped their drunken counterpart to the edge of the bed and lay him down, Josh’s feet still planted on the floor. He only lay there for a second before started to sit up, wobbling. 

“I’ll get him some water,” Jordan said, turning to go into the bathroom.

“Hey...hey, Tyler.” Josh mock whispered, reaching out to Tyler’s shirt again, plucking at the sleeve, dragging Tyler close to him. “Tyler, I wanna...can we...I want to talk to you alone. No Jordan. Don’t...dont want him t’hear it, you know?” Josh said, barely managing to get the words out intelligibly. 

“Oh...okay, Josh.” Tyler said, wondering what on earth he wanted to talk about that he didn’t want Jordan hearing. Jordan came out of the bathroom with one of the glasses filled with water and handed it to Josh who started to sip it, a bunch of water spilling down his chin and onto his shirt. 

“I think I got it from here, Jordan, if you wanna go to bed.” Tyler said, looking over at him.

“You sure?” He asked, sounding worried and looking from Tyler to Josh.

“I’m fiiiine, Jordan!” Josh said, but as he took another sip of his water he choked on it so bad that Tyler had to thump him on the back as he coughed. Jordan looked at Tyler a second and then nodded,

“Okay...I’ll see you guys in the morning.” he walked to the door and Tyler listened to it quietly shut behind him before turning his full attention to Josh who was giggling into the water he was trying to drink.

“What did you want to talk about?” Tyler asked Josh. 

“Hm?” Josh asked, raising his eyes to meet Tyler’s gaze.

“You said you wanted to talk about something.” Tyler reminded him, maybe it had been nothing, maybe it was just the ramblings of a very drunk Josh. Josh blinked slowly and leaned forward, setting the glass down on the bedside table. It almost fell off but he managed to push it further onto the table. Tyler sighed, realizing there was probably no way to get Josh to be coherent enough to talk about what he claimed he wanted to talk about. Josh kept running his fingers through his hair and Tyler sat down next to him on the bed, both of their legs hanging over the edge, feet planted on the ground. Josh leaned his head to the side and rested it on Tyler’s shoulder. Tyler turned his head to look down at Josh, it was quiet between them, Josh was too drunk to talk about anything and Tyler didn’t know what to say. It felt unreasonably good to have Josh’s head on his shoulder. 

As Tyler examined the curve of Josh’s nose, and the way he could see Josh’s eyelashes resting on his cheekbones when his eyes were closed Josh turned his head up slowly so he was looking at Tyler. Tyler’s heart hammered faster in his chest, their faces were so close together like this, and somehow Josh looked ridiculously beautiful even when drunk out of his mind. Tyler opened his mouth to say something but he was cut off by Josh’s lips pressing into his. Shocked, Tyler tugged away from him,

“Josh!” He said, Tyler’s heart had stopped and now as it restarted it fluttered so fast it felt like there as a tiny bird stuck in his chest. 

“Tyler,” Josh sat up a bit more and then leaned into Tyler again and pressed his lips to Tyler’s. Tyler couldn’t help it, this time he kissed him back slowly, leaning forward to meet Josh there. Josh leaned in heavily to Tyler, messily kissing him. This felt wrong. Josh was drunk, Tyler was sober and this wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Josh was leaning further into Tyler, pushing him back until Tyler’s back hit the bed and Josh was moving over him. 

“Josh,” Tyler said, pushing on his shoulders and breaking from the kiss. God, it felt so good to kiss him though. 

“Ty,” Josh breathed, smiling a little, “I want you to fuck me.” Josh moved back off of Tyler, retreating to the headboard, his back pressed against it, legs splayed out a little. Josh started to pull at his belt buckle, trying to get it open.

“What!?” Tyler asked, pushing himself back up to a sitting position and looking over at Josh, how his hands were desperately, drunkenly trying to pull at his belt. 

“Yeah! It would be fun, dontcha think?” Josh asked through giggles that had started to sound a little manic. Tyler could see that Josh was shaking as he watched him get his belt undone and then struggled with the button of his pants. 

“I-” Tyler stared at his best friend, Josh was running his hand down towards the waistband of his boxers, dipping his fingers into his underwear. Josh mouth was open, his lower lip glistening and his breathing a little hard. He was looking at Tyler with these seductive eyes but there was something else there, his eyes were glassy and his hands were still shaking. “No...Josh…” Tyler said finally. 

“Why? Wouldn’t it be fun? I’m really fucking good. You’d like it.” Josh slurred, still half giggling the words in that strangely manic way that Tyler suddenly hated. “Come on, I want you to fuck me. I’m asking you to fuck me,” Josh said, his eyes moving over Tyler.

“Josh, I’m not going to...to do that.” Tyler said. Tyler was scared to tell him that the reason he wouldn’t was because he didn’t think Josh really wanted it, he was just drunk. 

“Why not? Don’t you think I look good? Don’t you want me?” Josh was rambling and he had put his hand into his pants now, Tyler wondered if he was touching himself. He hadn’t even seemed obviously hard before, this was not out of horniness. It couldn’t be. 

“I’ve never done it.” Tyler said, using an excuse instead of telling Josh that it felt wrong. 

Josh sat forward again, reaching over towards Tyler’s thigh, running his fingers up towards his crotch, “It’s easy,” he said, Tyler put his hand over Josh’s, trying to push it back. “I’m easy.” Josh said, shaking his head. 

“Josh-”

“No! Tyler! Please!” Josh’s voice bordered on desperate now, he pulled his legs underneath him, sitting forward towards Tyler on his knees,  his pants still open. He leaned down to Tyler and pressed his lips to his again, “Please, Ty. Please fuck me, I need it to be nice. I need to feel something else. Please make me feel something else. Please!” Josh begged, speaking into Tyler’s lips. Tyler pulled back from him, looking into Josh’s face, he was crying now. Tyler felt his stomach tighten, nausea gripped him, Josh wanted to have sex with him so he could try and forget what had happened to him. Tyler couldn’t say yes. 

“Josh, you’re drunk. You don’t deserve to be used like that while you’re this drunk. You don’t know what you’re saying.” Tyler said quietly.

“Yes I do! Please, Tyler, please! You’re my best friend, I need you to love me...I need you to fuck me. Make me feel like a person again. Everything hurts. I promise, I’m good, I want it. I want it, Ty! If you fuck me it’ll make me feel-feel better. P-please!” He sobbed and sat back away from Tyler again, his head hanging low and sobs issuing from his chest. “Prove I’m not disgusting, I’m-I’m loveable. I am.” He coughed. It was Tyler’s turn to move onto his knees so he was right in front of Josh, as close as he could get. He wrapped his arms around him and pulled him into his chest.

“Shhh,” Tyler said. “Josh, listen to me, you are lovable. You’re not disgusting. I love you.” He said quietly. His heart was aching and there were tears threatening in his eyes. It was terrible to hear Josh talk like that, it made him want to do it, it made him want to kiss every part of his body and tell him he was not disgusting with each kiss. But he couldn’t. Not when Josh was drunk, not when he was so broken that he would beg for this to feel better. If Tyler did it he would be taking advantage of Josh’s trust, and his vulnerability. No. Tyler would not be like those people Josh had slept with on nights out when he said he was easy and told them to take advantage of him. No. No. No. “I can’t have sex with you right now.” he said, not even scared of admitting that he would have sex with him when he was sober. “You’re too drunk to make the right decisions and… I love you too much to do that to you.” He whispered.

Josh sobbed into Tyler’s chest, clutching onto Tyler’s shirt. “Please, Tyler…” he tried again, but Tyler just held him tightly, calmly running his hands over his hair and down his back. “Please.” he sobbed.

Tyler kissed the top of Josh’s head, rubbing his back. “Shhh, its okay. You’re okay.” he said. Josh’s sobs reached a fever pitch, Tyler could hear him choking, struggling to breathe. Tyler looked down at him, wondering if he was panicking, it seemed like it. Josh struggled back from Tyler and clutched at the front of his own shirt, pulling it as if it was suffocating him. “Ohh g-god.” Josh sobbed, “I c-cant…” he leaned over, trying to breathe. “Everything is itchy!” Josh rubbed at the skin at his neck, Tyler grabbed at his hands to keep him from scratching at his skin. 

“Its okay, Josh. Deep breaths.” Tyler instructed. Josh couldn’t focus though, he was struggling so Tyler stood up off of the bed. “Come here,” he took Josh’s arm and pulled him up. Josh leaned heavily on Tyler as he tugged him to the bathroom. His breathing was still rough, coming in and out in ragged gasps. Tyler leaned Josh up against the counter and went to turn on the water. When the shower was running, starting to steam up the glass shower door, Tyler went to Josh.

“Can I help you out of your clothes?” He asked him. Josh couldn’t answer, he was still pulling at the neckline of his shirt, but he managed a nod. Tyler took the hem of Josh’s shirt and pulled it up, over his head and then went to his pants which were still unbuckled from before. He eased them off of Josh. Tyler knelt down in front of his best friend to tug his shoes off and pull the pants off the rest of the way. He left his boxers where they were and helped Josh towards the shower, opening the glass door, “It’ll help you sober up, and then things will seem better,” he said. Josh leaned against the wall and slid down onto the floor, being pelted by the warm water. Tyler started to close the shower door when Josh let out a panicked noise,

“D-don’t leave me!” He held his hand out for Tyler and Tyler knew what he had to do. He tugged his shirt off, then his socks and stepped into the shower, sinking down to sit next to his Josh. The water quickly soaked his pants, making them stick to his skin in an uncomfortable way. He reached one of his arms around Josh’s back and the other around his chest, bracing him there. Josh reached up and clutched at the arm around his chest, turning slightly to press his head into Tylers. They stayed there with the warm water washing over them, their heads bent together, Tyler holding Josh up and Josh clutching onto Tyler for dear life. 

“It’ll be okay, Jishwa. I’m here. I’ll be here.” Tyler said, rubbing his shoulder, trying to be comforting, trying to be the best emotional rescue that he could be. Tyler listened to his best friend, probably the love of his life, sob and gasp for breath. All he wanted to do was take away Josh’s pain, to fix everything that could hurt him, press all his feelings for him into kisses on his skin that would smooth out the roughness of the world. They stayed wrapped up in each other long after Josh had stopped crying and sobered up. Tyler trying to press unsaid feelings into Josh through the touch of their skin. _ It would have worked better with kisses.  _

•••

The next day Josh admitted he didn’t remember much of what happened, he had a vague sense but he didn’t talk about it much. He thanked Tyler and promised he was going to try to stop drinking until the end of tour. He also promised to start seeing his therapist the second he got home. Tyler was hopeful that things were looking up. Maybe Josh was starting to understand how to take care of himself. There were still moments of fear, or flashbacks and intrusive thoughts  but as the days crept closer and closer towards the shows in Columbus, Josh became less hesitant on stage. He started running and boxing again, he laughed easier again, he became alive again, more himself. The only difference now was he had stopped the happy partying he had been doing prior to the rape. In a way, Tyler was happier because he had Josh all to himself, and in another way he was scared Josh felt like he needed to stifle himself now. 

Tyler wanted to be happy about the end of the tour, he wanted to be excited for life after all of this but he was struggling. Josh was always around now and it still didn’t seem like enough for Tyler because there was still the promise of LA. Josh was even talking about it now,

“I can’t wait to get back to LA, Brendon will be back from tour around the same time as us and I haven’t seen him in so long.” Josh said excitedly one day while they drove towards their fourth to last show.  

“Well you could get him tickets to come to the last Columbus show,” Tyler offered, wanting to put Josh off of immediately going back to Los Angeles. 

“I’m guessing he’s still having shows but maybe I’ll text him.” Josh agreed, he shot Tyler a strange look but didn’t question the weird comment. Other times he brought up LA he just brought up getting to be in his own house and going to his favorite places, seeing his other friends, eating tacos, going hiking. He wanted to go back to Harry Potter World and bring Jordan and Abby this time. Tyler was happy to see him excited about things, planning things and generally being more open but all these plans didn’t involve him and he wished they did. He wanted to anchor Josh to Columbus and tell him he couldn’t leave. 

“I’ll want to, you know, get in the studio fairly soon after we get back.” Tyler told Josh when he was talking about going on a trip to San Francisco with his mom and dad. It was right after the last show before the Columbus dates and they were sitting in the tour bus, waiting to leave the venue. 

“Yeah...I mean definitely but, like...we need a little break too.” Josh said, looking at him, his eyes creased with a look of worry. Tyler mumbled something about mostly agreeing but just wanting Josh to be aware. 

“Obviously I’m aware, Ty.” Josh laughed, “I don’t just forget about the band when I’m in California.” Josh said, reaching over and giving Tyler a little shove. It should have made Tyler feel better but it didn’t. All it did was remind him of the 2,243 miles that would be between him and his Josh for so long. His Josh. He knew he was feeling irrationally possessive but he hated the idea of people in Los Angeles having any sort of feelings of ownership of Josh. They didn’t care about him, the people there couldn’t possibly be as good as the gentle midwestern people in Columbus, in Josh’s home. No, LA was a city full of fake people who couldn’t possibly care about Josh the way Tyler did. 

Tyler Joseph felt like he was going to have a break down when he had to be that far away from Josh Dun. His Josh. 

•••

That was it, with one final bow in Columbus, Ohio, the tour ended. They had their after party to go to now, and then Tyler would go home to his empty house and that would be it. Josh left for LA in two days and they weren’t seeing each other during those two days in between. Tonight would be one last hug and a “I’ll text you soon,” or “Lets chat about when to get together to write,” or “I’ll text you times we should head to the studio” and that was it. Tyler knew this was just the end of the Bandito tour, not the end of anything else, not the end of Twenty One Pilots, not the end of a relationship but it was burning in his chest like it was more. He was holding back tears from the second he left the stage, all throughout the drive over to the party. Josh and him were quiet during the drive, everything felt strange, weird and empty. They should have been on their bus right now, overnight driving to the next city. Or they should have been at a hotel for a few hours before getting on the bus. There should have been more and yet it was a full stop now. Their equipment would be taken down over the next few days, the cat walk would be disassembled for the last time, their burning car taken apart and...what? What would happen to that stuff? He should know and he probably had been told but had put it out of his head. Tyler was sure all of it was outlined in an email somewhere but he had no energy to look. He looked over at Josh, he wanted to ask Josh if he wanted to go to his house and not go to the after party. He didn’t really want to be around other people, he wanted to be around Josh and no one else. He couldn’t though. He couldn’t take the rejection if Josh said no and he knew deep down that they needed to go to their own after party. He blinked back tears and looked out the window, setting his jaw in a familiar way to keep himself from looking like he was about to cry. 

They reached the bowling alley they had rented out for the party. It was an old fashioned place  with arcade games, a bar with crazy good cocktails, and good bar food. Their families were already there and the crew and friends were filtering in as they got away from the venue. It was already late, they had just put on a show and everyone was tired. Why they thought an after party right after the show was a good idea was beyond him but he went in anyway. People cheered for them. Josh, of course, blushed and acted humble while Tyler threw his arms out and tipped his head back, smiling and basking in the cheering. He did it so he could fake happiness,

“I am awesome.” He said as the cheering died down, Josh laughed at him. The festivities got underway. The sounds of bowling and arcade games took over all of Tyler’s senses. Crashes of bowling balls, pins falling, the music from arcade games, whirring and beeping noises. Tyler was overwhelmed, he didn’t want to leave Josh’s side, he still wanted to just leave and be alone with Josh but he couldn’t. So he settled for making sure he could keep Josh close for as long as possible.

“Josh, my siblings versus your siblings in bowling?” Tyler asked, reaching over and  patting Josh’s stomach. 

“Yeah but the Dun’s are going to kick some Joseph butt.” he said. 

“Yeah, we’ll see about that!” Tyler said with a grin, turning to gather up his siblings. When they gathered their siblings Tyler captained a team of Joseph siblings and Josh captained a team of Dun siblings. Tyler kept a snarky attitude all throughout the game, teasing Josh relentlessly while he bowled, changing his name on the scoreboard to “Josh Dumbass Dun”, and picking on his siblings as any good older brother would do. He was trying his best to not think about his sadness, trying not to think about how the night was inching towards ending. He hoped that if he could keep the attitude and the snark he would be able to fill the gaping wound that was threatening to rip open in his chest. 

When their bowling teams broke up due to a rift between Maddy and Zack caused by a rogue ball, Tyler lost track of Josh. Tyler’s parents were leaving, so he spent time saying goodbye to them, his mom lingered longer than she might have usually and Tyler wondered if she could sense his anxiety or his sadness. She hugged him a little extra before she left. He played a game of air hockey with Mark, trying to get him to stay a little longer, trying to keep himself from searching for Josh. When Mark did leave, Tyler tried to talk to other people, tried to keep himself busy but he found himself accidentally searching for Josh. His eyes finally locked on Josh at the bar, he was chatting with one of their lighting guys. Chatting seemed almost too polite. They were leaning in close to each other, whispering to each other. Josh’s eyes kept lighting up in excitement. He noticed the lighting guy, what was his name? Kevin? Kyle? He was running his hand up and down Josh’s thigh. Josh’s cheeks were pink and he was grinning. Tyler wanted to throw something. He wanted to kick and scream and yell at Josh for doing this to him but he couldn’t. 

Josh can sleep with who he wants to.  _ He’s a big boy, he can make his own choices and if he’s feeling good enough to find someone to sleep with tonight, why should you get to stop him?  _ The voice in his head made sense but it made him infuriated.  _ No! He can’t! He can’t because I’m in love with him and why…why doesn’t he want to be with me!?  _ Tyler swallowed, trying desperately to put aside his feelings, trying to not act on the anger bubbling in his gut, but he could feel it spilling over. He could feel it rumbling up from inside him and before he could restrain himself he was marching over to Josh and the stupid lighting guy who he now wanted to fire even though he probably didn’t have that authority.

“Hey Ty, have you met Eric?” Josh started but he was cut off when Tyler started to talk over him, blatantly ignoring Eric.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” Tyler knew he sounded belligerent, angry and maybe a little crazy. 

Josh looked at Eric who leaned in towards him and whispered something into his ear, Tyler’s anger flared again,

“Now.” Tyler said. Josh gave him a look that obviously said,  _ what the fuck dude?  _ But he nodded and slid off the bar stool. Tyler turned away and marched outside into the slightly chilly air, 

“What is going on with you?” Josh asked before Tyler could say anything. 

“What’s going on with me?!” Tyler asked defensively, “What’s going on with you? Why are you trying to sleep with random dudes again!?” He asked as if Josh had promised that he wouldn’t or something. 

“Eric isn’t some random dude! I’ve been chatting with him throughout like...the whole tour.”  Josh said. That made it worse,

“What!?” Tyler asked because he couldn’t hide the shock. Had this Eric person been there for Josh more than Tyler had? No. Tyler hadn’t seen them together at all, Josh was lying or...Tyler just hadn’t paid attention.

“I mean, casually but we have talked a few times.” Josh said, glancing towards the door. “Why are you so upset?” He asked.

“Because...you...you aren’t ready to jump into bed with someone!” The words fell out of Tyler’s mouth before he could really even think about them, he knew how wrong it sounded the second it came out but he was way too stubborn to admit that. “You’re still…you shouldn’t just be sleeping with just anyone!”

“Whoa! Wait, you don’t get to tell me what I’m ready to do and...since when does it matter who I’m sleeping with!” Josh’s voice was tight with restrained anger. Tyler had to backtrack, this was not what he wanted to be saying to him.

“I...it doesn’t. I just-” Tyler looked away from him, everything was on the tip of spilling over, the brink of coming out. All the emotions he had tried to keep from Josh so Josh felt supported. It was about to spill out because he didn’t want Josh to think Tyler wanted anything but the best for him. “I don’t want to see you flirting with other people! I don’t want you to  _ be _ with other people! I don’t want to lose you to anyone. This is the last night we have as the two of us, you’re going back to Los Angeles and I’ll be here and I don’t get to be part of your life there and now you want to spend tonight with…with ERIC.” Tyler spat it out fast, his brow furrowed and his hands gesturing. He shook his head, looking away from Josh. 

Josh stared at him, confused, “Wait...I- Tyler, what do you mean  _ be _ with other people?” 

“I mean...I mean  _ be _ with other people! I don’t want you to sleep with Eric! I never wanted you to sleep with any of those people you did in the past because-” he broke off, swallowed and tried to blink back the tears that were forming at the corners of his eyes, “because I want to be with you! I want to be the person that gets you all the time. I want to take care of you, I want my home to be your home and I don’t want to say goodbye! It’s not fair, you have this whole other world you go to after tour and I’m just not part of it.” Tyler reached up and rubbed at his eyes, trying to not start sobbing. He let himself take a second to breathe, he could hear Josh shifting where he stood when he felt like he had gained control of his voice again he spoke, “I want to be part of your everyday and part of all of your worlds and I want you! I want you, Josh.” He was staring down at the ground, his voice still a little thick. He looked up, finally meeting Josh’s eyes. 

“I don’t just forget about you, you know.” Josh said quietly, “You’re my best friend, even when I’m in Los Angeles. You’re not going to lose me to anyone.” He said. “But I do have a life in LA, and I like it...and,” Josh reached up and ran his fingers through his hair. “I mean, we’ll be back together soon.” He said, as if that was a comfort. “Tour ending is hard for everyone, I’m sad too, Ty.” Tyler’s heart was sinking, it came to rest in his stomach and he thought he might throw up. Josh had as good as rejected him. Did he not realize what Tyler was saying to him? Or did he realize and choose not to acknowledge it? 

“Josh-” 

“Tyler, we’ve just spent a lot of time together. You’ve helped me a lot. I can’t thank you enough. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. We’ve got  a lot of emotions wrapped up in the end of tour and I think you’re confusing stuff.” Josh looked away from him. Tyler stared at him. He wanted to scream that he wasn’t confused. He wanted to shout that he was in love with him and he had been for a long time. This wasn’t him just getting wrapped up in emotions, this wasn’t just feeling close to Josh at the end of tour and clinging to things. No. This was real. 

“But Josh-” He started to say but Josh cut him off again by hugging him. “We’ll talk soon, okay?” He said. Tyler couldn’t believe this was happening, was this it?! This was just suddenly goodbye after he had admitted everything to Josh? Because Josh just didn’t think it was real!?  It was happening, Josh was ripping Tyler’s fingers away while he desperately tried to clutch at him, to keep him there. In reality, Josh just took a step back, shot Tyler a smile and went back into the bowling alley. 

•••

Tyler spent two days at home, trying to get into the new schedule but he stayed up too late, slept in too long, and barely ate. His mom called a bunch to get him to come home for a meal but he couldn’t find it in himself. He was exhausted from tour, he was wrecked from everything with Josh. He watched Josh on instagram spend time with his family for the next two days, he felt so nearby but there was nothing Tyler could do about it. Zack came over a couple times to hang out but it didn’t feel right either. Nothing felt right. He found himself sleeping through most of the day, waking up to check his phone and then curling up, staring at the television and falling back asleep. 

On the day Josh was supposed to leave for LA, Tyler told himself that by the end of the day he would have made solid plans with his family for dinner together. He would wrap up the presents he had bought on the road for his nieces. He would finally do the tour laundry that he had been putting off because it still smelled like tour and every time he walked by it he almost started crying. Halfway through the day found Tyler asleep on his couch. He had managed to make the plans with his family but then he had tried to wrap up the t-shirts and stuffed bunnies from different places around the US for Mia and Pepper then he remembered picking out the shirts with Josh and decided a nap was better. 

He had dreamt he was on a tour bus, he could feel it moving underneath him, it made him slightly dizzy. The television on made his dreams weird, Josh was saying lines from Parks and Rec, there was loud knocking on the door to the bus. Or was it a hotel door? All those nights Josh had pounded on his door, it seemed like a lifetime ago. Tyler ignored the knocking in favor for staying curled up on the warmth of the couch. It was persistent though and when he pulled his eyes open he realized there was actual knocking at his front door. He sat up, disappointed that he was at home and not on the tour bus, his hair sticking up at a strange angle. He rubbed his eyes and stumbled over to the door, he saw who it was through the glass before he even got there. Josh was standing there. Tyler threw the door open, staring at Josh, shocked to see him there.

“Hey,” Josh said, he looked a little flustered, his cheeks were pink, his eyes a little bloodshot. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be on a plane like...right now?” Tyler asked, his voice cracking and groggy. 

“Um. Yes. Funny story, I had a bit of a panic attack in the airport.” He said, nodding. Tyler stared at him, 

“What?”

“Yeah. Mhm. It was humiliating.” Josh said, nodding, looking around for a second. “Can I come in?” He asked. Tyler hurriedly stepped back and let Josh come into the house. 

“So you just decided not to get on your flight because you had a panic attack?” Tyler asked, leading him down the hall towards the living room. 

“Oh...well...kind of.” Josh said, Tyler stopped and turned to look at him. Josh couldn’t meet his eye, he looked away. “I um.” He swallowed. “I had a panic attack, partially because I kept thinking about you being here and me being thousands of miles away. I kept thinking that things would feel better if you had been there with me and how I didn’t want to leave without you.” He spoke to the floor, examining Tyler’s carpet. 

“I thought you liked your life in LA.” Tyler said. 

“I do. But I think I like my life with you better.” He said. “I don’t know why I said what I did at the bowling alley the other day.” he admitted, shaking his head, his eyes finally moving up to look at Tyler. “I’ve been thinking about it non-stop.” He said. “I can’t believe I didn’t recognize how much I needed you then, I’ve needed you this whole tour. I was looking for it in all these different places and at my worst moments you were so steadfast. You were my anchor and my lifevest and I can’t imagine being away from you right now.” Josh shook his head. “After I told you about what...what happened to me, I had a dream of floating on calm water, holding your hand. I felt like I was drowning until I told you.” His voice was shaking and his eyes were locked on Tyler’s now.

The imagery caught Tyler by surprise, it reminded him of his dreams of drowning while trying to save Josh. His emotional rescue. He had wanted to be Josh’s emotional rescue, he had wanted to glue him back together, kiss every thought of disgust out of him. Tyler steadied his breath for a moment, his lips twitched towards a smile,

“I was scared you couldn’t wait to get away from me.” He said. 

“No, I was dumb for thinking I could do this without you.” Josh said. Was this it then? Was this them finally admitting it to each other? That both of them needed the other one. They couldn’t be apart anymore, they couldn’t do a tour and then just say goodbye only to come back together for the music. Josh was the first to try to say something.“I want you, Ty-”

“Can I kiss you?” Tyler asked, cutting into Josh’s words. Josh seemed a little surprised by the question but he nodded and Tyler hurriedly pressed his lips to Josh’s. 

Josh kissed him back, reaching up and pressing his fingers through Tyler’s hair. Tyler was surprised by his physical reaction to Josh’s lips against his own, his heart started pounding so fast that he could hear it in his ears, his stomach clenched and all he wanted to do was press his body against Josh’s until they could melt into one being. Tyler broke away, trying to catch his breath, their lips so close together that Tyler could still feel Josh’s breath against him. 

“Tyler, the other night, when I came over drunk with Jordan…” Josh breathed. Tyler remembered it perfectly, but he hadn’t thought Josh remembered it at all. “I...I begged you to fuck me, didn’t I?” Tyler bit back a smile at the memory.

“Yeah, you did.” he said. 

“Thank you, you know, for not.” Josh said, smiling sheepishly at it as well. 

“I wouldn’t ever do that to you, Josh. I mean...like...I wouldn’t take advantage of you being drunk and vulnerable not that I wouldn’t ever fu-” He shook his head, “I am...oh boy.” He looked away. Josh laughed and leaned in towards Tyler again, 

“I know I wanted you to do it...to make me feel something different. To feel love instead of..all the other things I felt.” he said. “I still want that.” his brow furrowed. “I want to replace all those terrible memories with better ones.” He said. 

“I don’t think that’s how it wor-”

“I know it won’t totally work. I know I’m never going to forget it, but I-I’m sick of the last time someone touched me being in a club bathroom while I was drunk and depressed and thought of myself as garbage.” He explained. Tyler flinched at the words.

“What do you want me to do, Josh? I don’t want to go too fast, I don’t want this to just be about sex. I don’t want you just for the sex.” Tyler said, looking over at him, his brow furrowing. 

“No, I don’t want that either. But God, I feel like if anyone loves me it’s you and I just...please. Your the first person I’ve really wanted since before all of this happened.” He whispered. “I promise I’m okay with it. You need to trust me.” Josh said. Tyler was anxiety ridden over the whole thing, he wanted to do it, he was itching to touch Josh more but he was scared that it would upset him. 

“If you get upset-”

“I’ll tell you. Right now you need to listen to what I’m telling you I want. I’m not drunk. I’m not panicking.” Josh closed the bit of space between them and kissed Tyler. Tyler sighed into his mouth and nodded. He had never been with a guy before, he had never tried to please a guy besides himself before and this wasn’t just a guy, this was Josh. His Josh. Finally,  _ his _ Josh. They moved to the couch, Josh sitting down and then tugging Tyler down on top of him. Tyler straddled Josh’s lap, pressing kisses into his lips. 

“Tyler, it’s embarrassing how many times I’ve thought about this.” He whispered. “I never thought you would be interested...I should have talked to you about it years go.” Josh said.

“Maybe I wouldn’t have turned into a jealous asshole then.” Tyler said as he moved his lips to Josh’s cheek, kissing him there. Tyler peppered Josh’s face with kisses. His cheekbones, his nose, his eyelids, forehead, all over. Josh smiled and tugged Tyler’s hips forward, impatient for more. Tyler got the hint and kissed his jaw and onto his neck. He ran his hands down Josh’s chest, towards his belt. It was the same one Josh had tried to pull off that night back in the hotel. Tyler remembered how Josh had put his hand in his pants to touch himself, the memory and the feeling of Josh’s muscles under his shirt sent a wave of lust through Tyler. 

Josh reached down and started to pull at his belt, Tyler sat back against Josh’s knees and helped Josh tug his pants open and down just enough so Tyler could pull his boxer briefs down when he was ready to touch him. Tyler looked down between them, seeing the outline of Josh’s hard cock in his underwear filled his mouth with saliva and made his own dick hard. Tyler had never been more relieved, more elated than this moment, sitting on Josh’s lap, finally getting to consummate feelings he had been worrying over for the last month. This feeling of longing for Josh had been around for years, he had caught himself thinking about Josh while he touched himself more than once and he had tried to put it away as an incidental thing. It had only been the jealousy that had made his real emotions about Josh very clear. Tyler’s fingers inched towards Josh’s cock in his underwear. Josh’s head fell back against the couch and he let out a breath.

“Is this okay?” Tyler asked, as his fingers hovered over the bulge in Josh’s boxer briefs. 

“No, I want more, Ty.” Josh gasped. Tyler smiled and finally ran his finger down the length of Josh’s cock, still enclosed in fabric. “Fuck,” Josh gasped, his head popping up to look down between them. Tyler swallowed, excited that he was getting such a reaction from Josh. Tyler found the elastic of his boxers and tugged at it, folding it down far enough where Josh’s cock sprang free. Tyler’s eyes were glued onto the drummer’s erection, he was practically drooling. It was almost too much for him, his own dick was begging to be touched and he was sure he had precum wetting his own underwear. 

“Jeez, Josh.” He said as he looked at it. “Who would have thought you were this big?”

“Touch it, please.” Josh managed to moan, a muscle in his jaw working as he sat there, longing to be touched. Tyler kept taking his time though, thinking about how badly he wanted to enjoy it, to take his time over everything. Tyler ran his finger down the length again, this time skin to skin, Josh shivered and pressed his hips up. “Tyler, please.” he whined. Tyler could hear the desperation in Josh’s voice and finally decided to oblige. He wrapped his fingers around Josh’s cock and started to move his hand up and down. It was slow at first, Tyler feeling every bit of Josh. Josh moaned loudly, his head falling back against the couch again. Tyler reveled in the sound, eliciting that kind of moan out of Josh Dun was something from dreams he had, had. Tyler ran his thumb over the tip of Josh’s dick, feeling the sticky, warm drops of precum there. Josh bucked his hips up, fucking into Tyler’s hand. Tyler squeezed even tighter. Josh actually whined at the feeling.

“Holy-” Tyler broke off, watching as Josh’s face twisted in pleasure, his breathing hard, his hands raking up the sides of Tyler’s legs. Tyler moved his fingers faster, up and down squeezing and releasing in an easy rhythm. “Is it good for you, Jish? Are you okay?” He asked.

“Yes. Yes!” Josh breathed, “Oh...Tyler....” Josh reached out and started to pull at Tyler’s pants, tugging the button open, the zipper slipped down on its own. “Tyler I wanna see you, please.” Josh managed to gasp. Tyler kept his hand moving steadily on Josh’s cock while Josh tried to pull his pants open enough to get at Tyler’s cock. Tyler let go briefly which made Josh whine in frustration, but he helped Josh tug his cock out.  Josh’s hands rubbed up and down the outside of Tyler’s thighs. Tyler was still straddling Josh, he had sat up on his knees to tug his pants down but now he sat back and started to rub Josh again. Josh’s hands had stopped moving, his eyes were moving over Tyler’s cock, 

“So...fucking pretty.” he gasped, but he could barely get it out, Tyler was rubbing his cock faster. Tyler was so hard, he needed it himself, their cocks were so close together, almost level, almost touching. Josh looked dazed as he managed to tilt his head down to watch Tyler jerk him off and they both seemed to have the same idea at the same time,

“Josh, can I-”

“Yes.” Josh nodded. Tyler pulled himself a little closer to Josh so their cocks were touching, pressed into each other and he wrapped his long fingers around both of them together. His palm held Josh’s cock while his fingers rubbed his own. He could feel Josh’s cock pulsing against his own and then the added pressure of his own fingers made stars burst behind his eyes and his mouth hang out. Josh immediately became a whiny mess. 

“Tyler, oh...Ty...fuck.” he pressed his hips towards Tyler’s hands messily. Tyler leaned over, trying to find his own breath as he touched their cocks together. He had never felt anything like this. he could feel his hips moving forward to meet his own strokes and the movement of Josh’s cock. The sensitive underside of his cock, slid against Josh’s and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to hold on for very long, Josh was moaning garbled nonsense. All Tyler could make out was,

“Gunna cum,” Tyler nodded in reply, humming out a soft,

“Me too,” and then his orgasm burst forth, knocking the breath out of him, spasming his whole body in the process. As he came, his cock jumped which made Josh’s spasm. Their cum mingled together all over Josh’s belly, his shirt had come up so it wasn’t completely ruined but both of their pants might be stained. Tyler held their cocks through the whole orgasm until everything felt overly sensitive, sticky and wet. He slipped off of Josh, sitting down next to him. Josh leaned his head onto Tyler’s shoulder. 

“Thanks,” he said softly.

“Don’t thank me.” Tyler replied, he turned his head and buried a kiss into Josh’s curls. They both tried to catch their breath, Tyler was focused on the sound of Josh’s breathing, it was ridiculously comforting to him, to hear that huff of breath from his Josh. 

“You can thank me by not leaving me…” Tyler whispered finally. 

“What? I wasn’t planning on leaving.” Josh said, his voice confused, his head turned up, pulling away from Tyler’s shoulder. Tyler’s cheeks reddened, he was scared to admit how much he needed Josh. 

“I mean, don’t leave at all. I don’t want you going to Los Angeles.” Tyler said. Josh started to laugh and Tyler glowered across at the boy next to him. “Don’t laugh at me! I...I know you want to go but I don’t think I could handle it.” Tyler blurted out.

“I’m not laughing at that...I’m laughing because of course I won’t go to LA.” Josh said, he reached over and cupped Tyler’s cheek, their eyes met, “Not without you at least.” He added and Tyler practically fell forward into him and kissed him.

 They had so much more to talk about, they had people who would eventually need to know, they had stuff to do, responsibilities, people counting on them but for now it would be easy to close in for just a little while. They could be an island, just the two of them. An island, floating in a calm, placid ocean where they could keep each other afloat, where kisses could be like glue, where the outside world had no affect, where they could breathe and just be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! It was heart wrenching for me to write, partially because writing Josh suffering so badly was painful and partially because I made the Columbus shows be the actual last shows in the Bandito tour andddd that was owie. Post concert depression fueled this and I don't want to think about the end of the Trench era/Bandito tour and this made it all seem so real!
> 
> Also, if you feel like it and to keep updated on me and writing projects you can follow me on tumblr:  
> heckin-yeahh.tumblr.com   
> :) <3

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! This is the first time i'm writing a fic with two chapters. This was originally supposed to be another one shot but it got too long so I made it into two parts. I'm hoping to have the next part up in a few days. Thanks so so much for reading!


End file.
